Sunday, December 30, 2007

not to get all emo or anything...

But I have a little problem. I suffer from periodic depression. Not like when everything's going to hell I feel bad depression, because everything's always going to hell. I'm 100k in debt, you know? That's not the problem. The problem is, sometimes my chemicals get out of whack, which screws with my sleep, which causes me to go more out of whack. This is usually a downward spiral of about a month, and at bottom I don't think I'll be able to get out. Can't go into crowded places, see new people. Work gets really difficult. It just seems like too much trouble.

Of course, one of the things I love the most normally is to meet new people, talk to them, drink with them, photograph them, etc. That I can't make myself do these things makes me feel worse, too, of course. Then, some day somewhere along, usually when things are at their worst, the rent's late, project's overdue, no friends in town, girl dumped me, then I look around and feel better. I don't know why.

I think part of it is something will trigger in me the deep realization that I'm being stupid. That I should laugh at myself for not doing the things that I know will help me. And I do laugh at myself, more often than not, big loud belly laughs. I can say without reserve the ability to laugh honestly at my own stupidity has saved my life.

The feeling when that happens, it's being free. It's the first breath after you nearly drown, it's flipping on a light in a dark room, it's seeing your truest love after months apart. Everything is better, for a little bit. Then everything turns back from 11, (scale of 1-10) and it's average for a while.

The usual trigger is a friend. Whoever they are, they'll say something to me, can be random, can be funny, can be supportive, but it's instant, and I'm better. So this one goes out to all the friends who've helped me out.

No comments: